Churning out two columns a week is exhausting. That must be, like, 1,000 words. That’s almost 150 words a day. So for his latest effort, Ron had lunch with somebody older than himself and cribbed stuff the guy had written down, quoted him, lifted a paragraph from a seven-year-old Times-Union obit, and then went off to bugger swine with Jimmy Ray Bob. I only made up one of those things. Let’s have a look at Ron’s cheat sheet.
A friend called earlier this week and asked to meet for lunch.
Brilliant lead. You've really drawn me in.
He is part of the generation that responded so valiantly to the trials of World War II.
My friend fought in Okinawa in one of the bloodiest battles of the war. Understandably, the military is dear to him.
On the way to lunch, he handed me something he had written.
You’ll have to trust me on this, but I promise when I read that sentence I knew Ron was going to delegate this column. I think I’ve been reading him for far too long.
It began: "The recent debacle over the shutdown of one of the most important institutions in our democratic form of government sadly reveals the present values and character of Congress."
The shutdown, as you know, was avoided at the last minute.
If you know that we know, why are you telling us?
"Suppose it had taken place," my friend wrote. "Our esteemed statesmen and stateswomen had decided there would be a delay in delivery of the paychecks of our courageous and brave service men and women who were putting their lives on the line every day so that we can be safe and secure …
Yes, Congress is a group of feckless posers. This is not a new insight. “There is no distinctly native American criminal class -- except Congress,” Twain wrote about 500 years ago.
"Their families at home, wives and husbands with their children, all their dependents, trying desperately to stretch every dollar as far as they can, faced the day when their meager checks would not arrive."
What about the members of Congress?
"The painful answer," my friend wrote, "is to pay themselves their usual salary with all of the enormous fringe benefits at the usual time with no holdbacks, delays or sacrifices.
"How can they look at themselves in the mirror? The rest of us must do it for them - in shame, embarrassment, disgrace, mortification and disgust.
"Where is the character, spirit, compassion, care for others, support of our military, on and on, of the 1940s?"
At this point Ron’s Ancient Mariner friend has written 189 words to Ron’s 81, and much as I’d like to, I can’t say it’s an improvement. But who is this mysterious geezer?
My friend, who doesn't like to see his name in the newspaper, has been prominent in Jacksonville for decades.
So in case you wondered who authored this Those-darn-kids screed, tough. But don’t worry, Ron says he’s prominent.
He knew another of his generation quite well, Charlie Bennett.
Bennett was a veteran, too. He fought in the Philippines and was awarded the Silver Star. He contracted polio there and had to use canes to walk.
After the war, Bennett went on to represent Jacksonville in Congress for 44 years. When Bennett died in 2003, the news story in The Times-Union said:
After writing the preceding 83 words Ron was tuckered out, so it’s back to cutting and pasting.
"During his early service, he refused his congressional paychecks, stating he had simple tastes and didn't need the money. He gave the government back $500,000, including his annual veterans disability benefit. And he refused pay raises totalling $120,000 in his last four years of congressional service."
"Where are the Charlie Bennetts?" my friend wrote. "Once he was called disgustingly honest ... Couldn't we have just a few disgustingly honest senators and representatives these days?
"Thank God some of us old-timers were blessed to live through, and be part of, those wonderful years. God, please give us now more men like those old ones."
Damn young ’uns.
The divisions in Washington are deep. On both sides of the aisle, everything is about party and denigrating what the other side has to say.
My friend wanted to know what I thought. All I could say was that I agreed.
Because to say more would have entailed actually writing a column. How’s this for the good ol’ days, Ron. The great mid-20th century sports columnist Red Smith used to write a column every day.
A friend called earlier this week and asked to meet for lunch.
Brilliant lead. You've really drawn me in.
He is part of the generation that responded so valiantly to the trials of World War II.
My friend fought in Okinawa in one of the bloodiest battles of the war. Understandably, the military is dear to him.
On the way to lunch, he handed me something he had written.
You’ll have to trust me on this, but I promise when I read that sentence I knew Ron was going to delegate this column. I think I’ve been reading him for far too long.
It began: "The recent debacle over the shutdown of one of the most important institutions in our democratic form of government sadly reveals the present values and character of Congress."
The shutdown, as you know, was avoided at the last minute.
If you know that we know, why are you telling us?
"Suppose it had taken place," my friend wrote. "Our esteemed statesmen and stateswomen had decided there would be a delay in delivery of the paychecks of our courageous and brave service men and women who were putting their lives on the line every day so that we can be safe and secure …
Yes, Congress is a group of feckless posers. This is not a new insight. “There is no distinctly native American criminal class -- except Congress,” Twain wrote about 500 years ago.
"Their families at home, wives and husbands with their children, all their dependents, trying desperately to stretch every dollar as far as they can, faced the day when their meager checks would not arrive."
What about the members of Congress?
"The painful answer," my friend wrote, "is to pay themselves their usual salary with all of the enormous fringe benefits at the usual time with no holdbacks, delays or sacrifices.
"How can they look at themselves in the mirror? The rest of us must do it for them - in shame, embarrassment, disgrace, mortification and disgust.
"Where is the character, spirit, compassion, care for others, support of our military, on and on, of the 1940s?"
At this point Ron’s Ancient Mariner friend has written 189 words to Ron’s 81, and much as I’d like to, I can’t say it’s an improvement. But who is this mysterious geezer?
My friend, who doesn't like to see his name in the newspaper, has been prominent in Jacksonville for decades.
So in case you wondered who authored this Those-darn-kids screed, tough. But don’t worry, Ron says he’s prominent.
He knew another of his generation quite well, Charlie Bennett.
Bennett was a veteran, too. He fought in the Philippines and was awarded the Silver Star. He contracted polio there and had to use canes to walk.
After the war, Bennett went on to represent Jacksonville in Congress for 44 years. When Bennett died in 2003, the news story in The Times-Union said:
After writing the preceding 83 words Ron was tuckered out, so it’s back to cutting and pasting.
"During his early service, he refused his congressional paychecks, stating he had simple tastes and didn't need the money. He gave the government back $500,000, including his annual veterans disability benefit. And he refused pay raises totalling $120,000 in his last four years of congressional service."
"Where are the Charlie Bennetts?" my friend wrote. "Once he was called disgustingly honest ... Couldn't we have just a few disgustingly honest senators and representatives these days?
"Thank God some of us old-timers were blessed to live through, and be part of, those wonderful years. God, please give us now more men like those old ones."
Damn young ’uns.
The divisions in Washington are deep. On both sides of the aisle, everything is about party and denigrating what the other side has to say.
My friend wanted to know what I thought. All I could say was that I agreed.
Because to say more would have entailed actually writing a column. How’s this for the good ol’ days, Ron. The great mid-20th century sports columnist Red Smith used to write a column every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment