History doesn't repeat itself, but by God sometimes it rhymes

No direct mockery of media types today. Instead I offer the kind of analysis of the bewildering mayor’s race that’s conspicuously absent in the local media. TV news is incapable of this sort of thing (it’s more than 50 words), everyone at the Times-Union is covering the NFL draft or the Keystone Kops driving of the Sheriff’s Office, and no one at Folio could do it because when they think about the GOP they get so angry they have to punch their Dick Cheney dolls.

Let’s go.

An impressive list of business people have banded together to support Democratic mayoral candidate Alvin Brown. The list, which is at the end of this story, includes past and present leaders from banking, health care, real estate and railroads. I don’t put much stock in endorsements because I don’t believe the average voter looks at a banker (much less another politician) and says to himself, “By God, if Marty Lanahan is for him, I guess I should be too!”

But the endorsement of these people, many of them significant contributors to the GOP, is an indication that there are a lot of Republicans who are unmoved by Mike Hogan. It also made me consider seriously, for the first time, the possibility that Brown could win.

I have been as surprised as any other average voter at the way this race has played out. I did not initially take Hogan’s candidacy seriously. He didn’t make much of an impact as a state representative and has been hiding in plain sight as Tax Collector for the past eight years. But I caught his act many times as a City Councilman in the ’90s, and he struck me as one of the dimmer bulbs on a 19-member Council that didn’t lack for morons. That impression has been cemented by his performance in the campaign.

So how did get to this point, where the only two choices are a Republican deeply mistrusted by the business community and a Democrat the average voter had never heard of four months ago?

The short answer is, miscalculation. The Republicans have collectively screwed the pooch, as evidenced by this political reality: Except under bizarre circumstances, the mayor’s office (and any other prominent citywide office, like Sheriff) is the GOP’s for the taking. The downside of this fact is that it attracts lots of GOP candidates who split the vote.

Which raises a few questions: Was there no one who could have convinced Audrey Moran and Rick Mullaney to unite, one behind the other? Do those two despise each other, or rather, did they despise each other before they started attacking via TV ads? Is John Peyton completely powerless in local GOP circles? (I think I know the answer to that one).

A couple months before the primary I was surprised to hear that Hogan was at 30 percent and Moran and Mullaney at about 15. Like nearly everyone else at that point (except Alvin Brown), I figured the race was between the M&Ms for second place and a shot at Hogan in the runoff.

Hogan’s campaign, it’s now clear, is based on pulling off two very difficult tricks. The first, which was wrapped up before the primary, was to land the endorsements of the unions and the local Tea Party. Are there two more antagonistic players on the political landscape? But somehow they’re both behind Hogan, suggesting that if he wins he will inevitably alienate one or both.

The second effort, which is teetering like a motionless unicyclist, is what I think of as Shielding the Dummy. Hogan, to be charitable, is not impressive when he has to think on his feet. That’s why he ducks debates and his wife gets more screen time in his ads than he does. It’s worked so far because most of the money raised in this campaign was spent by the M&Ms destroying each other with TV ads. But who knows how Hogan’s recent decision to rule out further debates will play with those voters who are just now starting to pay attention?

Finally, as far as I know no one has pointed out the similarities to Nat Glover’s election as Sheriff in 1995. I know, I know, it’s a form of CrimeThink to mention race, but it’s notable that we may get our first black mayor much the same way we got our first black Sheriff. I can’t remember the names, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but there were two high-level white JSO administrators looking to succeed  the retiring incumbent (and the whole thing had a vaguely monarchical feel to it, in a good ole boy sense). They split most of the white vote and Glover, who got out and talked to small groups during the campaign, got all of the black vote and all of the votes of whites who would otherwise have felt guilty voting against the black guy.

Could it happen again?

Ron Littlepage outsources his column

Churning out two columns a week is exhausting. That must be, like, 1,000 words. That’s almost 150 words a day. So for his latest effort, Ron had lunch with somebody older than himself and cribbed stuff the guy had written down, quoted him, lifted a paragraph from a seven-year-old Times-Union obit, and then went off to bugger swine with Jimmy Ray Bob. I only made up one of those things. Let’s have a look at Ron’s cheat sheet.
A friend called earlier this week and asked to meet for lunch.
Brilliant lead. You've really drawn me in.
He is part of the generation that responded so valiantly to the trials of World War II.
My friend fought in Okinawa in one of the bloodiest battles of the war. Understandably, the military is dear to him.
On the way to lunch, he handed me something he had written.
You’ll have to trust me on this, but I promise when I read that sentence I knew Ron was going to delegate this column. I think I’ve been reading him for far too long.
It began: "The recent debacle over the shutdown of one of the most important institutions in our democratic form of government sadly reveals the present values and character of Congress."
The shutdown, as you know, was avoided at the last minute.
If you know that we know, why are you telling us?
"Suppose it had taken place," my friend wrote. "Our esteemed statesmen and stateswomen had decided there would be a delay in delivery of the paychecks of our courageous and brave service men and women who were putting their lives on the line every day so that we can be safe and secure …
Yes, Congress is a group of feckless posers. This is not a new insight. “There is no distinctly native American criminal class -- except Congress,” Twain wrote about 500 years ago.
"Their families at home, wives and husbands with their children, all their dependents, trying desperately to stretch every dollar as far as they can, faced the day when their meager checks would not arrive."
What about the members of Congress?
"The painful answer," my friend wrote, "is to pay themselves their usual salary with all of the enormous fringe benefits at the usual time with no holdbacks, delays or sacrifices.
"How can they look at themselves in the mirror? The rest of us must do it for them - in shame, embarrassment, disgrace, mortification and disgust.
"Where is the character, spirit, compassion, care for others, support of our military, on and on, of the 1940s?"
At this point Ron’s Ancient Mariner friend has written 189 words to Ron’s 81, and much as I’d like to, I can’t say it’s an improvement. But who is this mysterious geezer?
My friend, who doesn't like to see his name in the newspaper, has been prominent in Jacksonville for decades.
So in case you wondered who authored this Those-darn-kids screed, tough. But don’t worry, Ron says he’s prominent.
He knew another of his generation quite well, Charlie Bennett.
Bennett was a veteran, too. He fought in the Philippines and was awarded the Silver Star. He contracted polio there and had to use canes to walk.
After the war, Bennett went on to represent Jacksonville in Congress for 44 years. When Bennett died in 2003, the news story in The Times-Union said:
After writing the preceding 83 words Ron was tuckered out, so it’s back to cutting and pasting.
"During his early service, he refused his congressional paychecks, stating he had simple tastes and didn't need the money. He gave the government back $500,000, including his annual veterans disability benefit. And he refused pay raises totalling $120,000 in his last four years of congressional service."
"Where are the Charlie Bennetts?" my friend wrote. "Once he was called disgustingly honest ... Couldn't we have just a few disgustingly honest senators and representatives these days?
"Thank God some of us old-timers were blessed to live through, and be part of, those wonderful years. God, please give us now more men like those old ones."
Damn young ’uns.
The divisions in Washington are deep. On both sides of the aisle, everything is about party and denigrating what the other side has to say.
My friend wanted to know what I thought. All I could say was that I agreed.
Because to say more would have entailed actually writing a column. How’s this for the good ol’ days, Ron. The great mid-20th century sports columnist Red Smith used to write a column every day.

Littlepage directs his rage at ... you. You loser.

The professional hand-wringers were out in force in the wake of the March 22 election because more than two-thirds of registered voters sat it out. The Times-Union had a story two days later headlined “$3 million invested in Jacksonville mayoral election; 30 percent turnout.” On her radio show, Melissa Ross talked about the turnout in the hushed, slightly peeved tone you’d expect from a schoolteacher wondering why you aren’t living up to your potential. For his part, Ron Littlepage got angry. Those of you who didn’t vote, he declared, are losers. Let’s go to the parchment.

The election results are in, and the outcome is crystal clear: A big part of Jacksonville is made up of losers.
That's right - 364,218 of you should put a big "L" on your foreheads.
I just had to check my calendar to make sure it wasn’t 1999. I suspect Ron has just now seen that Smash Mouth video.
That's how many registered voters didn't vote. The turnout for the first round of the city elections was 29.25 percent. That's pathetic.
I kind of wish I hadn’t voted, because then I could convince myself I have contributed to Ron’s oldster outrage.
This election was critical. A new mayor and a reshaped City Council will come out of it.
Yet, seven out of 10 voters chose not to participate.
And don't give me that "voter fatigue" baloney.
I can understand voter fatigue in, say, Egypt, but our right to choose our leaders was secured generations ago.
Voter fatigue means voters are numbed by too many elections. Which has nothing to do with Egypt. And as for our long-ago secured right to vote.... What the hell is he talking about?
Jacksonville's losers just stomped on those patriots' graves.
I don't want to hear complaints about the direction of the city in the next four years. No phone calls, no emails, nada.
By the way, have you seen the redesigned Times-Union? Forget the new font, the thing is physically smaller. It could be called My First Newspaper (hat tip to Guy Smiley). But by all means, Ron, discourage reader participation.
If taxes are slashed and favored programs are cut, too bad.
Or if taxes aren't cut enough to suit you and you think government wastes money on things government has no business doing, ditto.
Losers had a chance to have their say and didn't take it.
Losing losers.
It's not like voting was a difficult thing to do. There were no bullets to dodge, no roving gangs to intimidate.
For those who couldn't get out on Election Day, there were two weeks of early voting at sites scattered across the city.
And there's always the absentee-ballot route to take.
But the losers stayed home in droves.
There were good candidates in the mayor's race. They had distinctly different visions for Jacksonville's future.
Bullshit. The candidates were OK, but their visions weren’t all that different. Governments are broke at all levels and there’s not much room to differ. Which is probably why a lot of voters decided it wasn’t worth the effort.
The same can be said for the City Council races so a lack of choice wasn't a reason not to vote.
And there was plenty of information on the candidates and about their stances on important issues.
So where do we go from here?

Write something other than enraged conventional wisdom? Oh, sorry, you were talking about the city, not your crappy column. Carry on, sir.
Alvin Brown and Mike Hogan will go at it for the next two months.
Sounds transgressive, but I doubt Hogan's friends down at First Baptist will approve.
So will the candidates in the runoff races for City Council and tax collector.
The most interesting thing to watch over the next several weeks will be where the supporters of Audrey Moran and Rick Mullaney end up in the mayor's race.
Many Republicans in the business community didn't like Hogan's anti-tax, anti-government message.
This grows increasingly divorced from reality. Care to cite any of these ‘many Republicans?’I didn’t think so. If there’s a Republican nearby, he should remind Ron that GOPers like anti-tax, anti-government messages. Maybe the T-U has one in a closet somewhere.
Will they put loyalty to party first and switch to Hogan?
Brown made it to the runoff because he got a better-than-expected turnout by African-Americans.
They hadn't turned out during early voting, but they showed up at the polls Tuesday.
This might be your angle here, Ron, instead of lapsing into self-righteousness and insulting your customers.
There are more registered Democrats than Republicans in Duval County. Will that help Brown?
Election Day this time around will be May 17. There will be opportunities to vote early as well.
How many voters will vote in the runoff - 10 percent?
If so, the winner gets to be the mayor of Loserville.
Good one.

Ron Littlepage calls Mike Hogan a wimp. And it's still dull.

If you stop to consider the Times-Union (but why would you, since you almost certainly don’t read it?), you have to marvel at the continued presence of Ron Littlepage. On an editorial page that has always been stodgily conservative, there is still room for Littlepage to drop steaming piles of opinion based on a liberalism that was tired and wrong 25 years ago. Fortunately, his latest includes his adorable ‘click’ gimmick, which allows me to picture Ron spinning the dials on one of Tesla’s early models. Here we go:
Spinning around the political news dial … click.
Is Mike Hogan a wimp?
I think Ron really wanted to call him a pussy. Hogan’s real problem, by the way, is that he’s a dimwit.
He has backed out of a lot of opportunities to go head to head with his main challengers in the mayoral race.
The most obvious example of his “I can’t screw up if I don’t talk” strategy was his refusal to appear at a televised debate last Thursday.
Four televised debates have been scheduled. Hogan will miss two.
Click.
If you haven’t reveled in this ‘click’ gimmick before, you might think it heralds a change in topic. You know, like changing the station. But apparently his 19th-century radio has just the one station. And it’s all-Ron, all the time.
There was a bit of irony in the mini-brouhaha that swirled around the question of whether an empty podium should represent Hogan’s absence at the debate.
Oh, come on, Ron. You couldn’t have livened things up with some sort of empty podium-empty suit insult? What are you, a pussy?
Susie Wiles, who is managing Rick Mullaney’s campaign, pushed to have the empty podium.
Of course, we all remember
(Rick Scott hate alert)
that when Wiles was managing Rick Scott’s run for governor, that campaign’s strategy was to do as few televised debates as possible and to avoid having Scott answer questions from the media.
I guess Wiles’ idea of how much a candidate should answer questions to give the voters an idea of what the candidate will do if elected depends on who is signing her paycheck.
Christ, that is one awkward sentence. You have to read it twice, even though you didn’t want to read it once. Wiles is a Machiavellian cow, but yes, it does appear that she is tailoring her actions based on who pays her. You should try it -- I think the T-U would like you to be not so numbingly predictable
Click.
One of the forums Hogan didn’t show up for — Mullaney missed it as well — was the Urban League’s forum on race relations last Monday night.
It was held at the LaVilla School of the Arts, and the place was packed. Among the dozens of sponsors were the most influential African-American organizations in town.
Improving race relations is one of the most critical issues facing Jacksonville. Yet, Hogan and Mullaney couldn’t find the time to attend and state their positions.
Where to begin? First, your asserting that race relations is a critical issue doesn’t make it so. Second, Republicans don’t care about the black vote because there’s no way in hell they’ll get any of it. It’s like Democrats spurning an invitation to a Tea Party forum.  
I’m guessing if it had been a forum sponsored by the Jacksonville Jaguars, they would have been there.
Ha ha! It’s comedy gold like this non-sequitur that has kept him on the opinion page since the Hoover administration.
Click.
This ‘click’ shit gets old fast, no?
If there was ever a need for a do-over, it’s the At-large Group 1 City Council race.
As a Times-Union news story pointed out last Friday, the three candidates seeking that council seat are, well, less than stellar.
Come on, Ron, don’t be a pussy, tell it like it is. These three are a liar, an idiot and a whore.
David Taylor is an attorney who is in trouble with The Florida Bar and who could be disciplined soon by the Florida Supreme Court.
Steve Burnett had an embarrassing run-in with television news when he dumped several boxes of documents containing sensitive personal information about his employees and customers at a tax preparation business he owned into a Dumpster.
And the third candidate, Kimberly Daniels, admits she abused drugs and worked as a prostitute when she was younger.
You can’t make up this kind of stuff.
Well, I could. But I’m sure it’s beyond the imagination of someone who thinks Jimmy Ray Bob is trenchant humor.
However, it’s not just their problems, it’s their positions on issues that makes this race a loser for Jacksonville, whichever candidate wins.
Click.
Now you’re not even pretending to change topics, dammit. Or telling us what those positions are and why they suck.
Interestingly, it’s probably not her past work in the sex trade — she has reformed now — that will hurt Daniels the most.
Considering how Duval County votes, her biggest obstacle is she’s a Democrat, thought by many to be even lower than the oldest profession.
Click.
Here’s a suggestion on how to be less useless. What if you’d started your column like this: “What’s a bigger albatross for City Council candidate Kimberly Daniels-- that she is now a Democrat or that she used to be a whore?” Who wouldn’t read that column?
Reminder: Early voting begins Monday. Study the candidates and the issues and either vote early or on Election Day, March 22.
Click.
Which is a lamer conclusion to a lame column, a reminder to vote or that feeble ‘click’?

Logs of Political Wisdom

The Times-Union’s Ron Littlepage is here to extrude logs of his political wisdom, and fortunately for the T-U’s 42 remaining subscribers, he’s got something local to take his mind off The Voldemort of Tallahassee.
Here’s the dullness:

The gloves have come off in the mayor's race, and if he isn't careful, Rick Mullaney is going to earn the nickname "Waa Waa."
We’re not off to a good start here. Ron manages to decry what he considers the roughness of the race and proposes the most unimaginitive nickname ever. But at least he’s not hating on Rick Scott.
Now I can understand why when the Fraternal Order of Police endorsed Mike Hogan, Mullaney sniffed that he refused to even interview with the FOP.
If I were running for mayor, in this climate, I wouldn't want the support of the police union either.
I’m confused: he’s a shrewd crybaby? Also, how bizarre would the political climate have to be for Ron to run for mayor? Cats and dogs living together is just a start.
But Mullaney did want the endorsement of JAXBIZ,
I know the organization refers to itself in all capitals letters, but that doesn’t mean you have to, Ron. It looks goofy. Plus, I think there’s an AP style guideline about this. You do know there’s an AP stylebook most newspapers follow, right?
the political arm of the Jacksonville Regional Chamber of Commerce, and he and his supporters worked hard to get it.
JAXBIZ, however, went the other way and endorsed Audrey Moran.
I’m sure Mullaney wanted that endorsement, but Ron provides no evidence he went after it hard. Nor does he mention why the Chamber is backing Moran, which seems more important than cheap psychoanalysis of Rick Mullaney.
Mullaney's reaction sounded a lot like that of a petulant child.
Maye he’s Oedipal.
He sent out a news release saying the endorsement wasn't worth having because it didn't truly reflect what most of the chamber's members wanted.
I'm guessing if the endorsement had gone his way, the choice would have been brilliant.
No doubt. But here’s an idea: what if you tried to determine if there’s merit to his claim. Do the rank-and-file Chamber members really differ from Jaxbiz? Of course that would require some actual reporting, so, yeah, fuck that.
I'm sure that Mullaney's dissing of the endorsement before it had been publicly announced - despite an agreement from the candidates not to say anything until then - didn't sit well with chamber members who expect agreements to be honored.
The average voter -- me, despite my basement-dwelling status -- doesn’t care about the Chamber’s preferences on disclosure.
Not long after firing off his missive, Mullaney and Moran went at it during the Duval County Republicans monthly meeting Tuesday night.
I was about to fall asleep, but maybe the mayoral candidates were making out..
According to The Times-Union report on that meeting,
Goddammit Ron, this sounds like you weren’t at this meeting, and if you weren’t you shouldn’t opine on it.
Mullaney brought out the tiresome, standard campaign charge that Moran will raise taxes while he promised not to.
That's the same promise Hogan makes, and it's irresponsible of both of them.
True.
This is not a new position for me. I made the same argument when John Peyton first ran for mayor in 2003 and made the same unequivocal promise.
Until you, The Clueless Beard, actually run for office, nobody gives a damn what your position was eight years ago.
It's irresponsible because no one can predict the future. Peyton learned that hard lesson when the economy tanked and the state cut deeply into the revenues the city can collect to balance the budget.
Moran refuses to make the no-tax-increase pledge. Does that mean she will raise taxes, as Mullaney will say every chance he gets? No, she's just being honest.
By the way, Moran isn't going to take Mullaney's attacks without getting right back in his face.
OK, I’m ready for some of that gloveless shit Ron referenced earlier.
One of her comebacks is that a vote for Mullaney is a vote for the incumbent mayor.
Oh, snap! No wait: yawn.
It goes like this: Mullaney was Peyton's general counsel and an adviser.
He was there when the Shipyards project went wrong. He was there when the new county courthouse went wrong.
Don’t write ‘went wrong’ again. Please.
He was there when the city pensions went wrong.
Dammit.
And he was there when the city got taken on the Trail Ridge Landfill deal.
True, and fair points. But that’s not exactly “gloves off” stuff. I’ll concede the gloves are truly off if Mullaney tries to link Moran to her allegedly wife-beating Chief Judge brother-in-law (not true), or if Moran raises questions about Mullaney being Irish and the tendency of  “drunkenness and profligacy associated with that unhappy pack of barefoot savages.”
And with Peyton's father, Herb Peyton, being among Mullaney's biggest financial supporters, it's a charge Mullaney will have a hard time refuting.
The gloves are most definitely off,
No they aren’t
and in the meantime, oh joy, the television campaign ads have started with Mullaney's airing first.
In one, he takes the Rick Scott "fresh face" approach, an interesting ploy since Mullaney has worked in government almost his entire career.
Ding ding ding! I should have known Ron couldn’t get through a column without an utterly feeble Rick Scott takedown.

A sportswriter's rage approaches a Platonic ideal

The latest column from Folio Weekly’s A.G Gancarski is a potent, terrible mix. It combines rage and incoherence and raises the question: Does this sports columnist like anything about sports?
A.G. opens his latest pile of bitter, incoherent invective with the fact that pitcher Bert Blyleven finally got elected to the Hall of Fame. It’s not available on line and typing it all up would make me weep, but let’s hit the lowlights, shall we?
In preceding years, his numbers just weren’t good enough. Now, since he last pitched during the Poppy Bush administration,
Totally irrelevant political reference. The second time he was traded was during the Carter administration.
the question becomes, what exactly made him a more attractive candidate in 2011 than in 2001? The answer, lamentably, has less to do with the journeyman hurler than it does with what happened to the game itself since Blyleven retired.
This setup presents the opportunity to answer that question entertainingly. The short answer is most sportswriters recognize that a pitcher’s won-loss record is a terrible way to evaluate them. Blyleven’s election is an excellent chance to go into that. But that approach would restrict A.G.’s all-encompassing rage. Also, he wasn’t a journeyman, you fuckwit.
Specifically, the ’90s.
So this won’t really be about Blyleven. I hope it won’t be about steroids.
The time when every city with a baseball team felt compelled to build those hitter-friendly bandbox stadiums at taxpayers’ expense -- and why not, given how astronomically awesome the American economy was then?
Yep, he brings up steroids. Next is hacky criticism of Albert Belle and Barry Bonds that every other sportswriter has made.
And, of course, Brady Anderson -- the light-hitting, light-footed shortstop who somehow hit 50 home runs one year, never to come close to that number again.
Anderson was a centerfielder, but whatever. Then he makes fun of Sammy Sosa’s accent, linking him (incorrectly) with the ‘baseball’s been berry berry good to me’ line. Which was Saturday Night Live in the 70s, when Sammy was still a kid in San Pedro de Macoris. Then there’s this.
Yeah, baseball. And your prescribing doctor. And the myopic largesse of the flabby-hearted American taxpayer, deluded into equating the success of a professional sports concern with some vicarious accomplishment of his own.
Baseball+prescribing doctor+fat American taxpayers=what the fuck are you talking about? He then notes that the Hall of Fame inducted Blyleven and Roberto Alomar this year.
Strong choices, both.
Wait, didn’t you imply at the start that Blyleven’s selection was somehow wrong?
Never mind that when these guys were playing, they were built like Superstar Billy Graham at the height of his ’roid-driven performance.
I promise you that string of words appeared in his column. I wish there was a link (as opposed to Folio’s publisher, editor, writers, readers, advertisers, etc.). As far as I know Billy Graham was a non-juicing, non-baseball-playing evangelist.
But we pretended not to notice, because we wanted our heroes, our subjects of masturbatory fantasies.
Again, an actual string of words from A.G. I can’t really call it a sentence. Also, eww.
I remember it like it was yesterday, mostly because, when it was happening, I was an obese social isolate with little to do besides upsize combo meals and peruse prime time professional sports.
Now his simmering rage is starting to make sense. Which makes me wonder, why did Folio give a platform to write about sports to this bitter idiot? This is followed by a tedious rant aimed at Mark McGwire.
HA! Heard of GTMO buddy.
I’m going to assume he’s referring to Guantanamo Bay.
There is no presumption of innocence outside of a sixth-grade social studies text, not in this America,
as opposed to the alternative universe America in which A.G. is clever, articulate, slim and banging a different hottie each night.
where schools churn out semi-literate sociopaths who are ready-made customers of the prison-industrial complex, where they become made men, learning the lessons their gutless fathers couldn’t stick around to teach them.
My head is spinning (figuratively). Given the differences among the races in out-of-wedlock birth rates and incarceration, this sounds racist.
But fear not, all is not lost.
Don’t use the same word twice in a seven-word sentence, unless you’re poetic. And you’re not.
The owners got the ball parks. The juice boys got paid. Why keep them out of the HOF now?
Jesus. Are you now, at the end of your rambling, incoherent screed that suggested steroid users are cheaters who should be shunned from the Hall of Fame, saying go ahead and admit all of them? Stop writing.