On rare occasions the Times-Union’s stupefyingly predictable editorial page is enlivened by someone of questionable sanity. Unfortunately, it’s never one of their own writers, and true to form, the relevant bit on Sunday’s page was from Ben Rich, a former St. Johns County Commissioner who, in his outspoken belligerence, is a throwback to old-style Southern politics. Today he’s is going to spin us a yarn.
One sunny morning, a newly born baby rhinoceros and his mother were walking through the bush in search of the morning meal when they happened upon a mirror.
I sense a whole boatload of anthropomorphism behind one of these metaphorical bushes. I’m giddy.
The baby rhino looked down curiously at the mirror and blinked his moist eyes. "Is that me, mama?" he squeaked.
"Yep," replied his mother.
Touching. It reads like a children’s book. I’m trying to come up with a title.
The baby looked up innocently at his mother and asked, "Why am I so ugly?"
I’ve got it: The Little Fugly Rhino. It’s got a nice ring to it.
The mother looked at her baby lovingly and then in the mirror, surprised at the depth of the scars inflicted by predators when she was a youngster herself. There she stood, seemingly in a trance, at a loss for words.
Not surprising, since she’s a rhino.
The baby rhino asked the question because he was inexperienced, naive, uninformed and had no frame of reference from which to draw sound conclusions.
Metaphor alert!
These are not problems that you have when it comes time to vote on Amendment 4.
But...I wanted to hear more about the adorably ugly rhino.
Here are some facts. As a former St. Johns County commissioner, I know these things to be true.
In 18 words Big Ben feels the need to assure us twice that what he’s about to assert is The Word. Let’s go.
- The developers, their attorneys and those who stand to make money from mega-development will stop at nothing to control your elected commissioners regarding land use matters. I sat for two years on a commission totally controlled by these special interests.
A little over the top -- did commissioners have to get a developers’ OK if they had to take a whiz during a meeting? Get pre-approval on their outfits? -- but sure, St. Johns County was real friendly-like with developers.
- Without reform to the system of changes in land use designation, it will be a matter of time before your commission once again falls under the control of the development special interests.
Maybe. I can kind of picture what your argument to back this claim might be. But it’s your job, not mine, to make your arguments compelling. My job is to wonder why, dear Lord, is that little rhino so fucking ugly?
- If we continue down the present road, you will become a mirror image of counties like Dade, Broward, Palm Beach and Duval (the murder capital of Florida).
Caving in to developers will make people murder each other. That’s the point of this gratuitous mention of the murder rate, right?
The historical facts clearly show what the influence peddling of the development industry leaves in its corrupting wake.
You should cite some of those facts. Like, now.
- If you do nothing to change the course of history, you, too, will suffer under future crushing tax burdens to prop up failing schools, build water desalinization plants, expand gridlocked highways into bigger gridlocked highways, close beaches and expand jails, courts and government bureaucratic services.
If you don’t agree with me and VOTE AS I ORDER (I’m betting Ben will roll out the all-caps soon), the evil tide of history will overwhelm you and unleash Commie Ebola zombies on the land who will close the beaches.
You now have a frame of reference.
Well, we have yours, but I’m a little skep-
You are no longer uninformed, naive or inexperienced. Look at the facts and take control.
Aye aye sir.
Vote YES
(all caps)
on 4.
Unlike rhinos, for you, ugly has an alternative.
Goddammit, Ben, I thought you were done with the aesthetically-challenged wee rhino. I’ve lost interest in the beast, and your return to the topic is confusing me. The rhino’s ugliness is like... what, development? Craven politicians? Wait...are you saying that, unlike the Little Fugly Rhino, I don’t have to be ugly? Please tell me that’s what you’re saying.
One sunny morning, a newly born baby rhinoceros and his mother were walking through the bush in search of the morning meal when they happened upon a mirror.
I sense a whole boatload of anthropomorphism behind one of these metaphorical bushes. I’m giddy.
The baby rhino looked down curiously at the mirror and blinked his moist eyes. "Is that me, mama?" he squeaked.
"Yep," replied his mother.
Touching. It reads like a children’s book. I’m trying to come up with a title.
The baby looked up innocently at his mother and asked, "Why am I so ugly?"
I’ve got it: The Little Fugly Rhino. It’s got a nice ring to it.
The mother looked at her baby lovingly and then in the mirror, surprised at the depth of the scars inflicted by predators when she was a youngster herself. There she stood, seemingly in a trance, at a loss for words.
Not surprising, since she’s a rhino.
The baby rhino asked the question because he was inexperienced, naive, uninformed and had no frame of reference from which to draw sound conclusions.
Metaphor alert!
These are not problems that you have when it comes time to vote on Amendment 4.
But...I wanted to hear more about the adorably ugly rhino.
Here are some facts. As a former St. Johns County commissioner, I know these things to be true.
In 18 words Big Ben feels the need to assure us twice that what he’s about to assert is The Word. Let’s go.
- The developers, their attorneys and those who stand to make money from mega-development will stop at nothing to control your elected commissioners regarding land use matters. I sat for two years on a commission totally controlled by these special interests.
A little over the top -- did commissioners have to get a developers’ OK if they had to take a whiz during a meeting? Get pre-approval on their outfits? -- but sure, St. Johns County was real friendly-like with developers.
- Without reform to the system of changes in land use designation, it will be a matter of time before your commission once again falls under the control of the development special interests.
Maybe. I can kind of picture what your argument to back this claim might be. But it’s your job, not mine, to make your arguments compelling. My job is to wonder why, dear Lord, is that little rhino so fucking ugly?
- If we continue down the present road, you will become a mirror image of counties like Dade, Broward, Palm Beach and Duval (the murder capital of Florida).
Caving in to developers will make people murder each other. That’s the point of this gratuitous mention of the murder rate, right?
The historical facts clearly show what the influence peddling of the development industry leaves in its corrupting wake.
You should cite some of those facts. Like, now.
- If you do nothing to change the course of history, you, too, will suffer under future crushing tax burdens to prop up failing schools, build water desalinization plants, expand gridlocked highways into bigger gridlocked highways, close beaches and expand jails, courts and government bureaucratic services.
If you don’t agree with me and VOTE AS I ORDER (I’m betting Ben will roll out the all-caps soon), the evil tide of history will overwhelm you and unleash Commie Ebola zombies on the land who will close the beaches.
You now have a frame of reference.
Well, we have yours, but I’m a little skep-
You are no longer uninformed, naive or inexperienced. Look at the facts and take control.
Aye aye sir.
Vote YES
(all caps)
on 4.
Unlike rhinos, for you, ugly has an alternative.
Goddammit, Ben, I thought you were done with the aesthetically-challenged wee rhino. I’ve lost interest in the beast, and your return to the topic is confusing me. The rhino’s ugliness is like... what, development? Craven politicians? Wait...are you saying that, unlike the Little Fugly Rhino, I don’t have to be ugly? Please tell me that’s what you’re saying.
No comments:
Post a Comment