Ron Littlepage: Boring opinions. Click. Budge Huskey: Bitter commentary.

The news cycle inspires so many original thoughts in the Times-Union’s Ron Littlepage he can contain them in a traditional column only by an alchemical condensation into trenchant, bite-sized pieces. It’s an old-timey, Larry King-ish format, and it makes me wonder what century Ron was born in. Let’s go to the mimeograph:
Spinning around the news dial ... click.
When was the last time any “dial” actually “clicked?” The 1980s? The ‘70s? I’m excited, though. I can’t wait for him to repeat the click gimmick.
You may have noticed that things are heating up in the political world.
I did. Not news.
The race to become the next governor has become particularly nasty with Alex Sink and Rick Scott exchanging body blows in television ads.
I’ve seen most of the ads and they don’t strike me as particularly nasty. Unless there are some I missed that include Scott and Sink punching each other in the torso. That would spice up the race.
Previously, the big guns were usually fired closer to Election Day, but that changed with early voting, which begins Oct. 18.
Candidates have to make their points now because a lot of people will have already voted by the time Nov. 2 rolls around.
Wait, that’s it? That’s your whole point? Now I suspect you’re not condensing, Ron, you’re stretching because you actually have little to say. Here, I’ll demonstrate this by making your point for you in 16 words. “Florida gubernatorial candidates have already rolled out ads this year because early voting starts Oct. 18.” See? Why am I reading this piece again?
Click.
Ah, that’s why.
Two "sevens" will likely haunt Scott for the rest of this month.
The two “sevens:” A resurrected Mickey Mantle, looking for a bottle of gin, and that psycho from the movie “Seven” with Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box.
The first is the fact that he has only lived in Florida for seven years, knows absolutely nothing about large swaths of the state and has contributed little to the civic good during his short tenure here, unless you count making media outlets happy by spending more than $50 million of his personal fortune in an attempt to buy the governor's office.
Ron hates Rick Scott: ‘knows absolutely nothing,’ ‘contributed little.’ And spending $50 million of his own money on media buys? What a prick.
The second seven is in the 75 times Scott used the Fifth Amendment in a lawsuit involving one of his companies.
So it’s only kind of a ‘seven,’ since the actual number is 75. Gotcha.
One doesn't do that unless one has something to hide, which is a reasonable conjecture about Scott's sealed lips
‘Sealed lips’ is kind of suggestive. Sure you want to stick with that, Ron? Have anything to say about Scott’s bald head? You could call it a ‘naked dome.’
since his health care company ended up paying a record $1.7 billion in fines for defrauding Medicare and thus the taxpayers.
What’s the point here? Oh yeah, Scott is an evasive bastard who took the Fifth. Any news to impart, Ron?
Click.
Scott is basically still pleading the Fifth today by refusing to meet with editorial boards of the state's newspapers.
With the one-sided treatment Scott gets from the newspapers, I wouldn’t talk to the T-U either. Especially if I could spend $500 trillion on ad buys that take my message straight to the voters.
Same question: What is Scott hiding?
Click.
OK, at least we’re off the evil Rick Scott now, and clicking to something else, like Walter Winchell or Will Rogers. Right?
Whenever Scott
Dammit
is asked about meeting with an editorial board, his stock answer is: "I'll have to ask Susie." That would be Susie Wiles, a former mayoral aide in Jacksonville who is managing Scott's campaign.
Weak attempt to localize his I-hate-Rick-Scott rant by bringing up someone who used to work in Jacksonville. Also, still on Rick Scott and nothing about Alex Sink. And nothing on the nasty ads. I was hoping for some ad-related nastiness soon.
If he is elected, is that the way he will govern when facing tough issues? I'll have to ask Susie?
Click.
Polls are showing the governor's office is still up for grabs.
Now I’m confused. Why all the clicking of Ye Olde News Dial? I thought each ‘click’ would deliver me to a new, different, still-boring topic. Maybe it’s a way to suggest that Scott’s evasiveness is on all three channels of Ron’s vacuum-tube Victrola, or that the point is being shouted out on every corner by the town crier in Williamsburg.
Some have Scott ahead.
Whatever.
Others show Sink with a slight lead.
(getting sleepy)
As of now, it's probably even.
Goddammit. I don’t know what’s worse: the spineless parroting of what the polls say or ‘as of now.’ No, wait, I’ve made up my mind (unlike Ron). It’s the invertebrate-ness.
For this late in the race, there's still a large number of undecided voters.
Winning them over and then getting them to the polls will be the key.
True dat. Other things that are facts: the earth is round, Gator fans miss Tim Tebow, the largest state east of the Mississippi is Georgia. None of this is worthy of mention in a newspaper piece that’s supposed to contain news.
Click.
Most folks are counting Charlie Crist out in his bid for the U.S. Senate.
Wow, we’re finally off Rick Scott. The ‘click’ now seems inadequate for an actual change of subject, no? I think he should have gone with ‘Zounds!’ Maybe with multiple exclamation points. Ron’s ‘news dial,’ btw, is more accurately a ‘boring political semi-news dial.’
John Thrasher, our state senator who also serves as the chairman of the state Republican Party, is predicting Crist will finish third.
Thrasher says that with glee in his voice. He is still hacked off at Crist for abandoning the Republican Party to make his run as an independent.
Yes, many Republicans are pissed at Charlie. Those Ron’s age have been heard to mutter shit like “by gum” or “sakes alive.”
But recent polls aren't backing Thrasher's prediction.
Is Crist ahead? Because if he is, by Thor’s Hammer, that would be news.
Democrat Kendrick Meek is running a distant third in the race.
So Crist is second? He’s not third, but you haven’t said he’s first. Is he first? Goddammit, Ron, put down the white lightning and answer me.
That could help Crist as Democrats, realizing Meek can't win, switch to Crist in an effort to stop Marco Rubio.
Possible, I suppose, but sounds like wishful thinking to me. No one any longer likes Charlie Crist, whose politically expedient flip-flopping makes (the politician you most hate) look like (your personal political icon).
There's almost four weeks to go before the election, and that can be a lifetime in politics.
It will be a tough road, but with support from independents and Democrats, I'm not counting Crist out yet.
Well, what the hell, I will. I will count out Charlie Crist, a once-popular governor whose popularity turned out to be wholly dependent on good economic times. It’s not Charlie’s fault the economy tanked especially badly in Florida, but neither is it the economy’s fault that on closer inspection, Charlie appears not to stand for much of anything other than Charlie Crist. See how much more interesting it is when you make a prediction and back it up with a defensible argument? Ron? Dammit, he’s turned off the Victrola.
Click.